How to Survive Annoying People Without Going to Prison

Ah, life, an eternal social experiment in which we are forced to coexist, resulting in a Herculean challenge: to deal with ‘arseholes’ without committing a crime worthy of a streaming platform documentary - yes, they are everywhere. 

From the neighbour who decides to listen to funk at seven in the morning, to that co-worker who insists on explaining the obvious to you, as if she were Einstein revealing the Theory of Relativity. That's why it's important for you to know that no matter who you are - Doctor or Monster - sooner or later you will be confronted by the mythological creatures of boredom. 

But calm down, there is hope! Grab your cup of coffee (or something stronger) and join me, because today we're going to explore how to survive these beings without ending up behind bars.

A Brief Study of Annoying People

Whether it's the bloke who makes conversation by poking, the enlightened being who decides to tell his testimony at the top of his lungs at the bus stop, or the little human being who ends every sentence with ‘Got it?’ it's undeniable that humanity is full of characters who challenge our patience and test our ability to socialise without accidental murder.

Jean-Paul Sartre, always very clever, had already warned us when he said ‘Hell is other people’. But do we really need to consider moving to a faraway cave just to avoid a nervous breakdown? I don't necessarily think so. There are more civilised and less legally compromising ways of dealing with the annoying fauna around us. So let's start by understanding what defines this species.

Irritating People: A Definition

 

Irritation is subjective, but some creatures seem to have the universal gift of exhausting other people's reserves of patience. Schopenhauer saw human interactions as a dance of porcupines: we approach each other to seek warmth, but end up poking each other.

That's why I say that: the citizen who listens to bad music without headphones, the aunt who asks when you're going to have children (even though she knows you don't want them), the driver who slams on the brakes in front of you: they all have something in common. They just don't realise (or don't care) about the impact of their actions on the world around them.

‘Patience is bitter, but its fruits are sweet,’ said Jean-Jacques Rousseau. But, Rousseau, dear, have you ever tried to keep your composure while someone chews with their mouth open in front of you?

Strategies for Survival (Emanating Inner Peace)

 

Well, since the penal code still considers murder a criminal offence, we need to find less extreme ways of dealing with these creatures. So here are a few methods I've tested - mainly during my time as a bartender in Berlin.

1. The Adapted Stoic Method - Be a Rock, Be a Mountain, Be Wi-Fi with a Password

   
   

   Seneca, the stoic of stoics, said: ‘Life is too short to be small’. Which in other words means: don't waste emotional - or any other kind of - energy on those who don't deserve it. He preached emotional indifference in the face of adversity. If applied correctly, Stoicism allows you to react to an inconvenient subject (drunk or not) with the same impassivity as a statue in a public square.

   
   

   Is someone telling you an endless story about some shit that doesn't interest you? Imagine a desert, a lavender field, a silent film. Practise the ‘neutral museum face’ - that unaffected expression the security guards at the Neues Museum give when they hear tourists ask where the Bust of Nefertiti is (when it's right there in front of them).

   
   

   Another famous Stoic, Marcus Aurelius, in his work ‘Meditations’, reminds us that ‘The best revenge is not to be like your enemy’. So you can also use the ‘Art of the Verbal Dodge’, another powerful weapon in our armoury. It boils down to using the shield of sarcasm and the sword of irony. When someone says something irritating and inconvenient, respond with a smile a la Sphinx and a phrase like: ‘How clever! You should patent that idea’.

   
   

2. The Zen Method Version 2.0 - The Way of the Detached Monk

   
   

   Buddhism teaches us that irritation is a construction of the mind. This means that, in theory, you don't have to get angry with the guy who decides to pay for a coffee with a mountain of two cent coins. In theory. In practice, your soul is already screaming internally like a fire evacuation siren.

   
   

   The secret? Breathe. Meditate. Imagine yourself floating in the cosmos while humanity continues with its usual mediocrity - it's just another day in paradise, enjoy it. Another way would be to imagine yourself as a monk watching the ocean waves: they come and go, just like the annoying people in your life. Don't try to control or change these people: just accept their ephemeral existence in the grand scheme of things. Buddha said that suffering comes from attachment.

   
   

   Perhaps irritation is, deep down, a reflection of what we expect from others. Try looking at the irritating person as a case study, a phenomenon of nature, a passing storm. Does their voice sound like a cracked stick or a hoarse duck? Imagine that it could be a duck in mating season.

   
   

3. The Method from a Nietzschean Approach - The Art of Intellectual Contempt

   
   

   If patience really isn't your thing and you're a fan of a bolder approach, why not try refined contempt? Instead of rolling your eyes like an annoyed teenager, adopt the intellectual aristocrat attitude: a look of slight superiority, a resigned sigh and a sentence involving at least two words the interlocutor doesn't know.

   
   

   Example:

   
   

   An annoying person says: ‘I don't really like reading, I find it boring.’

   You reply: ‘Oh, I understand. Some minds develop better through other primitive stimuli.’ (And walk away).

   
   

   We must admit that Nietzsche mastered the art of refined contempt, he taught us that ‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger’. A sharp but elegant response can turn an unbearable interaction into a small personal triumph. Just be careful not to cross the line and end up with unnecessary bollocks. Use common sense without moderation.

   
   

4. The Powerful Method of Sarcasm reinforced by Strategic Escape

   
   

   Oscar Wilde was the master of refined irony. When confronted by someone irritating - which in the Victorian era meant almost the entire population - he would respond with acid humour - but without losing his elegance. After all, nothing disarms an irritating person faster than realising that their provocations are met with witty indifference.

   
   

   Sun Tzu wrote that ‘The supreme art of war is to defeat the enemy without fighting’. Sometimes the best way to deal with the unbearable is to simply walk away. Avoid, dodge, disappear like a ninja. If that's not possible, invest in headphones, a good podcast or a momentary astral journey. Oh, you can always pretend that the person is part of the scenery, like a post or a potted plant. You can respond with a vacant stare or even the Miss Candidate Technique.

   
   

5. The Social Experiment Method

   
   

   This one is extremely simple, just turn annoyance into fun. Try interacting with the annoying person in an unexpected way. If an annoying person at work is monopolising the conversation, ask them something absurdly philosophical like: ‘Do you think time is linear or a collective illusion?’ Hopefully, he'll get distracted and you'll escape unscathed (it's worked every time for me).

   
   

6. The Final Conclusion Method (Metaphorically speaking)

   
   

   But if all else fails and your patience reaches critical levels, the best solution is to avoid these individuals like a vampire avoids sunlight. There are a number of advanced techniques for this, and here we can get creative.

   
   

   The fake headset: even without music, it protects your sanity.

   
   

   The ‘busy face’: it works mainly at work.

   
   

   Interest in a book: pretend to be deeply engaged in reading a book (even if it's just an instruction manual for some rubbish you bought on impulse).

   
   

   Always walk down the street wearing sunglasses: people never know what you're looking at, so you can always pretend you didn't see when the annoying person waves - combined with headphones, this is a must.

   
   

   The classic excuse: ‘I need to take an important phone call’ and disappear into the smoke of your own genius.

The Moral Dilemma

Here arises an intriguing philosophical question: are annoying people really to blame for being that way? Or are we, with our unrealistic expectations and lack of tolerance, the real villains? Simone de Beauvoir said: ‘Man is free; but he finds the law in his own freedom.’ Perhaps we should reflect on our own responsibility for harbouring negative feelings towards these inevitable human interactions.

What results in the development of empathy, that rare and elusive feeling, can also be useful. Try to imagine the annoying person as a human being with their own problems and insecurities. Maybe they're just trying to get attention, like a peacock desperate for praise and recognition. Or maybe they're just... annoying and that's fine.

The Great Challenge of Living with Humans

The world is full of annoying people and, unless you move to a cave in the Himalayas, you're going to have to learn to live with them. Living with them can be a daily test of mental endurance and self-control. So if you think about it, these individuals provide us with a constant exercise in spiritual evolution - or at least a great opportunity to train our ability to avoid a breakdown.

Let's not forget that deep down we are all just part of the chaotic spectacle of human life and we don't control the actions of others, only our own. So if all the methods, techniques and strategies for getting along fail, we can always feign dementia or an attack of selective amnesia.

In my opinion, annoying people are like distorted mirrors; they show us our own flaws and insecurities in an uncomfortable light. Perhaps it's time we embraced this discomfort and used it to grow - or at least to laugh as we move forward.

Now, if you've got this far without wanting to throw your mobile phone at the wall, congratulations! You're ready to survive without the need for police reports. So how about exploring some more?

Like it, leave your testimony in the comments, what techniques do you use to avoid using your primary defendant? And don't forget to share it with those who need a dose of philosophical sarcasm. 

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‘Illusion crumbles when we question reality.’ - UN4RT

Yes, the sources, references and inspirations are there! Good luck, you'll need it!

• Doctor or Monster, a reference to the classic work of literature written by Scotsman Robert Louis Stevenson: ‘The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde / The Doctor and the Monster’.

• Jean-Paul Sartre, Huis Clos (No Exit).

• Arthur Schopenhauer, Parerga and Paralipomena.

• Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the quotation in the article is an adaptation of a popular proverb, not a direct quotation linked to a specific work.

• Seneca, Letters to Lucilius.

• Neues Museum, n English ‘New Museum’ is one of the five museums that make up Museum Island. (Museuminsel) in Berlin, Germany.

• Bust of Nefertiti, an important work made of limestone and approximately 3400 years old, which depicts Nefertiti, the Great Royal Wife of the pharaoh Akhenaton. The bust is on display at the Neues Museum in Berlin, Germany.

• Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

• Buddha, Dhammapada.

• Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols.

• Oscar Wilde, Irish writer, poet and playwright.

• Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

• Simone de Beauvoir, The Ethics of Ambiguity.