How to appear calm while screaming inside?

We live in a society that, in the name of ‘morality and good manners,’ encourages plastic smiles, even though these often hide a veritable orchestra of frantic thoughts, racing hearts, and anxiety attacks.

This human paradox of displaying serenity and confidence while the soul cosplays an erupting volcano is almost an art form.

The performance would undoubtedly be worthy of an Oscar, if there were a category for ‘Best Social Pretending’.

So, the question is: ‘How can we appear calm while, inside, we are sending half the world to that place?’

The ‘I'm fine’ society - when you're not

In the parallel universe of the status quo, saying ‘I'm not okay’ is almost an act of rebellion. The general rule is very simple: smile and wave, say everything is ‘great,’ post a photo, and swallow your inner screams. Our society rewards those who control their emotions, even if that control is only cosmetic — and impermanent.

Let's say that these demands to demonstrate constant calm are toxic and even cruel. It would be like asking a volcano to behave like a garden fountain.

The result of this can be much less glamorous; many people who smile in public cry in the foetal position when alone.

Philosophically speaking, this forced behaviour generates some contradictions, among them the desire for authenticity that hides behind masks. We want real emotions, but we applaud those who appear to be made of iron.

Thus, feigning calm becomes the new social ritual – a silent liturgy, in which everyone knows deep down that no one is 100% “zen”.

How to Appear Calm in the Corporate World of Feigned Serenity

This is where feigned calm has become a prerequisite in job descriptions.

‘Knowing how to work under pressure’ is nothing more than the ability to not throw your computer keyboard out the window or hit someone with it as deadlines approach.

Companies no longer want to hire stable employees; they want actors who are capable of smiling in a meeting while mental chaos reigns supreme.

Real translations of corporate jargon:

• ‘Resilient’ = can take abuse and rudeness without complaining.

• ‘Team spirit’ = can endure collective incompetence without collapsing.

• ‘Multitasking profile’ = performs three or more jobs, being poorly and miserably paid for one of them.

Fake serenity is so highly valued that it has become a bargaining chip. Those who appear calm are promoted, even if inside they are in a state of civil war.

When Calmness is Just a Performance

Social life can be likened to an arena of judgement. Those who vent too much to others are “needy”, colleagues who show anger are “unstable”, people who cry in public are “weak”.

One of the consequences of this is that we become compulsive actors, pretending to be calm so as not to be excluded from groups.

Collective serenity is, more than a shared illusion, a pact of silence.

A trivial example of this would be a couple arguing in public, with serious looks and words spoken through gritted teeth. Inside, the two may want to tear each other apart, but in front of an audience, they act like a ‘perfectly normal couple.’ After all, ‘dirty laundry should be washed at home,’ right?

Our society not only accepts but demands all this theatre. Normality has become a code of etiquette, as important as saying ‘good morning.’

The Mask of the Sage

The famous Stoics had a certain penchant for rationalising emotions, thus offering a perfect manual for appearing calm.

The multitasking emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote in his diary ‘Meditations’ about how to maintain serenity in the face of widespread chaos in the empire.

A more modern and daring translation of his lessons could be: smile at your boss, even if he is ruining your afternoon with requests that go beyond your job description – and what he pays you for.

Stoic principle applied: if you cannot change the situation, change your reaction to it.

Practical example: while that friend repeats the same topic of conversation for the thousandth time, you don't have to explode – just take a deep breath and imagine yourself as a Roman statue, motionless and indifferent.

Of course, not everyone is born a Buddha in a suit and tie, but practising a few small mental breaks is already a big help.

Laughing at One's Own Despair

The great Diogenes of Sinope, a cynical philosopher, lived in a barrel and spent his time mocking everything and everyone.

If he were alive today, he would probably tell us that we don't need to appear calm, just accept that we are screaming inside and turn it into a joke.

Acidic humour acts as an escape valve. When we are in the midst of a silent crisis, it is almost therapeutic to be able to say, ‘I'm so zen, I look like a hurricane on holiday.’ Laughter has the power to defuse tension.

Everyday example: if you are in a never-ending meeting and already feel like you are about to explode, you can say: ‘I love how we've managed to discuss this for two hours without resolving anything at all.’ Perhaps everyone will laugh, easing the tension and without realising that you were already wanting to run for the hills.

Diogenes would tell us that feigning calm is nothing more than social hypocrisy. But since we live in society, using sarcasm as emotional makeup can be an effective trick.

The Art of Controlling Facial Expression

Faking calmness is also a matter of aesthetics; our face is the main stage where our charades are performed.

While confusion rages inside, it is our serene countenance that deceives the audience.

Psychologists call this “surface emotional regulation”. I call it “landscape face”.

Classic techniques:

• Neutral smile: not too open (as it can appear desperate), not too closed (as it appears resentful or impatient).

• Fixed gaze: maintain eye contact, but without looking like you want to devour the soul of the person in front of you.

• Slow breathing: this deceives even ourselves.

This facial theatre has been described in several self-help books, but the simplified version is: be a sphinx, not an emoji. The more indecipherable we are, the calmer we will appear to others.

The Body Screams Louder than the Soul

It won't do any good to keep a straight face if our body gives us away: trembling hands, shaking legs, a shaky voice...

To appear calm, you need to train your body as if you were a Hollywood actor.

• Stand tall: it conveys confidence even when your mind is racing.

• Restrain your gestures: no twirling your pen as if it were a helicopter propeller.

• Move slowly; if everything is speeding up inside, slow down on the outside.

In behavioural psychology, this is called ‘facial and bodily feedback’. By adjusting our body and face, we also influence our mind. It's almost like tricking our own brain, turning a simulation into something almost real.

Accepting the Inner Cry

While stoics advocate self-control and cynics mock social conventions, Buddhism proposes something quite different: acceptance. Crying out internally without repressing it.

The practice of mindfulness suggests that we do not need to struggle with internal turmoil, but rather observe it as one would watch a storm on television.

This seems simple, but it carries an almost cruel depth. The trick here is not to appear calm, but to understand that calm exists even in the midst of a storm.

• Practical example: let's say you're in the middle of a ridiculous traffic jam. Instead of pretending you're not irritated, acknowledge your irritation, take a deep breath and accept the situation: "I'm stuck. There is nothing to do but be where I am."

Let's say this is a much less theatrical and much more honest view, which requires the courage to admit that peace is not in disguising the screams, but in listening to them without getting lost in them.

The Price of Forced Serenity

Behind all the pretence, there is always a price to pay. Repeatedly swallowing your emotions can lead to mental exhaustion, the famous burnout. Pretending to be calm when you are not is like wearing a mask so tight that it leaves your skin raw.

Classic symptoms of burnout:

• Irritation for no apparent reason.

• Difficulty sleeping.

• Sudden outbursts over small things.

• Feeling like you are living on ‘autopilot’.

The cruel irony of it all is that our society rewards pretence, but offers no space to deal with its consequences.

The more we pretend to be calm, the further we distance ourselves from what we really feel and from ourselves. We become amateur actors in a play called ‘Normality.’ And often, we don't realise that, like any performance, the act always has an expiry date.

Authenticity requires conscious vulnerability, even if the world is not yet ready to welcome the vulnerable. The charade requires acting, but living this way forever is exhausting.

Those who do not learn to deal with their inner cries may end up hearing them louder and louder, until the mask can no longer resist them.

In this way, the quest lies in achieving greater balance, in which we consciously choose when to act and when to be real.

Summary of a sentence

We all pretend. Some are better at it than others.

To pretend or not to pretend, that is the question

My view on this is very simple:

Pretending to be calm can indeed be a gift to others. It spares them our shouting and avoids unnecessary outbursts. However, when we live on the basis of pretence, we are putting ourselves in prison.

It is important to choose wisely where and with whom we let our real cries run free. Otherwise, apparent calm becomes a permanent anaesthetic, and living in this anaesthetised state is the opposite of what it means to live.

The search for (self)knowledge is essential.

Ask yourself: ‘In what situations might I be pretending to be calm?’ And ‘When am I actually calm?’

Recognising this difference helps us move forward on our journey.

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Sources, references, and inspirations:

• Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

• Diogenes of Sinope, texts on Cynic philosophy, fragments and accounts by Diogenes Laertius.

• Buddhist traditions (Dhammapada) and mindfulness practices.

• Studies on behavioural psychology and emotional regulation.

• Personal experiences in the corporate world and everyday life, social satires.

• Friedrich Nietzsche, The Twilight of the Idols.

• Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.