NVC: How to politely say ‘Go to ... ’

Who has never felt an uncontrollable urge to tell someone to kindly take a seat on the back of their own head?

Life presents us with such incredible situations that sometimes it feels like we're participating in a bad stand-up comedy show. With that in mind, let's talk about the art of offending without offending. But since ‘kicking with class’ is a sport that few practise, here we'll talk a little more about it so you can learn the basics and maybe even test your skills at the next family gathering.

NVC - Nonviolent Communication: Origins and Fundamentals

NVC will provide us with the opportunity to express our frustrations in an aristocratic manner with touches of philosophical irony.

It was created by Marshall Rosenberg back in 1960. The practice was born from the studies of Carl Rogers, the humanistic psychologist who analysed how excessive judgement and criticism lead to conflict. Rosenberg believed that human beings can learn to express themselves without sounding like a rhino with an identity crisis.

Let's say that NVC has traces of Aristotle, who valued the art of empathetic rhetoric, and Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., the great transformers who, with their peaceful speeches and non-violent struggles, demonstrated how the power of words can change the world. Mr. Rosenberg also drew inspiration from Jean-Paul Sartre, who emphasised individual responsibility in choosing one's own words and actions.

In summary, NVC provides us with:

The ability to express what we are feeling, without simply reacting like an irrational animal and free from accusations, judgements or drama typical of Mexican soap operas. The best thing is that this gives us the possibility of getting what we need, but without having to enter into a cold war with someone. It's as simple as losing weight by eating bread and eggs.

Why do we need to be polite when telling someone to make good use of their posterior muscle ring?

You may even be wondering why you should use politeness to say something so humorous. The answer is very simple: out of self-respect and for greater effectiveness.

When an insult is accompanied by politeness, it passes through other people's defences more easily, without causing a direct shock to the wall of resentment. It would be like throwing a dart with a velvet tip; it may hurt the ego, but it does not tear the fabric of social interaction.

Every swear word, even the most trivial ones, carries energy. And if you are the type of person who thinks this is all nonsense, look for ‘The Hidden Messages in Water’, a book and film in which Dr Masaru Emoto shows the results of his research using magnetic resonance imaging. If you do some serious research, even just a little, you will realise how silly your thoughts on the subject may be.

It is the year 2025, the age of technology and information. It was to be expected that, at this point, we would know that ignoring our feelings is like trying to grill steak without fire, i.e., it doesn't work. Giving voice to what we feel, even if it is our frustration or anger, is important, otherwise all the tension can turn into an ulcer or even something worse, as studies in psychosomatics show. But that doesn't mean we have to go around lashing out at half the world, and that's where NVC comes in.

Why do we continue to be rude when we know there are other ways to deal with situations/people?

Once again, the answer is simple:

• Because exploding is much quicker than explaining yourself coherently;

• Because many of us do not seek to know ourselves so that we can understand our emotional triggers;

• Because we still think that whoever speaks the loudest wins;

• Because no one taught us how to disagree with someone without sounding like a comic book villain;

• Oh, and let's not forget laziness;

Most people don't even know that it's possible to express themselves, set boundaries, maintain their dignity and sanity without shouting and blocking everyone. This may seem funny, but many of the stereotypical media narratives encourage reactive behaviour.

We are beings who learn through repetition, and it doesn't matter whether this repetition involves constructive or destructive patterns. Everything becomes a habit. Our minds do not differentiate between limiting and expansive beliefs unless we consciously do so.

The Use of Irony

For those who are already familiar with NVC in its classic form, the idea of using irony may even sound like heresy. But, thinking about it, let's take the example of Simone de Beauvoir. This sharp-minded lady deconstructed the ideas of patriarchy with cutting elegance and behaviour worthy of a true sage.

Those who have read her work ‘The Second Sex’ have noticed this characteristic. Her writing is a true intellectual investigation that conveys a form of knowledge that questions our existence, our view of freedom and ethics. In short, it is a work that has its own rigour, irony and transformative essence.

Therefore, when I refer to irony in this context, I am referring to specific behaviours, which I will illustrate below through an imaginary dialogue between a couple who have arranged to meet up:

This date was supposed to start at a specific time, let's say 8 p.m. at a fancy restaurant. One of the parties arrives more than 30 minutes late, and this is not the first time they have been late. Thus, the person who was waiting decides to speak up using ironic NVC.

1 The person speaking observes the situation without judging and without using dramatic adjectives:

Ex: ‘I noted that you were late again.’

2 The person names her feeling without dramatisation or victimisation, talking about herself without using the other person as an instrument of torture:

Ex: ‘That made me impatient - and slightly angry.’

3 The person expresses their real need without resorting to emotional blackmail or demanding that the other person read their mind:

Ex: ‘Could you be on time next time? It's important to me.’

4 The person makes a request in a polite manner, without veiled threats, using light irony and a touch of humour. All without any drama worthy of a soap opera:

Ex: ‘Could you kindly be late in another universe next time, please?’ - followed by a relaxed laugh and a pat on the hand of the person who is late.

From this example, we can cite other situations from everyday life.

Work environment

At the office: "When you come to my desk and start going through my papers, I feel disrespected. It would be great if you could do me a favour and take my patience out of this cupboard (point to a cupboard or drawer) and give it back to me intact.‘

With your boss: ’I realise there is pressure to get results. I need more clarity on deadlines so that I can improve my performance."

Home environment

Two people sharing a flat: ‘I noticed that you “forgot” to wash the dishes for the fourth time this week. My hygiene needs are begging you to pick up the sponge.’

Inconvenient family members: ‘I appreciate your stories, but now I need a moment of silence to digest them.’

In a taxi

The passenger and the reckless driver: ‘I notice your driving is as free as the wind. I, on the other hand, would prefer to be in a whole car. How about keeping the wheels on the road and my heart rate down?’

On social media and chat apps

To respond to inappropriate comments and/or messages: Use the “edit” button as a shield. Refine your aggressive response until it becomes a thoughtful observation.

Two examples of polite outbursts:

"Your attitude makes me wish I were in a temple in Tibet. Could you please rephrase your approach?‘

’Dear colleague, I feel at this moment that you should go exercise your imagination on another planet."

Obviously, these examples are followed by the appropriate facial expressions, as real understanding and a genuine desire to improve are the keys to any type of NVC.

But what should we do in those situations where we feel that the other person is “asking for a map of hell”?

 This is the classic ‘some people ask for it...’ Yes, there are always those who will test our level of intellectual articulation. And this is where NVC becomes even more interesting. The general idea is not to be passive, but also strategic. We don't have to swallow frogs, we can cook them over low heat and serve them with diplomacy. Example:

‘When you mock what I say in front of other people, I feel humiliated. Like anyone else, I deserve respect. So, if you have any comments about what I say, next time please make them in private. Is that OK?’

Translation: ‘One more of those and you'll need to go to the dentist to order a full set of dentures.’

Some philosophical analogues to ‘Go take a walk in the depths of your rectal canal’

As expected, philosophy always brings us different and more elegant perspectives on the typical anecdotes commonly conveyed by common sense.

Let's start by talking about Plato and the art of teasing with class. The guy loved a debate. In his Dialogue, his sarcasm cut deeper than a diamond, but in a profound, surgical and elegant way that only Greek philosophy is capable of.

Our favourite stoic, Seneca, would say: ‘By containing anger, I transform it into strength.’ A perfect phrase to keep in mind before telling anyone to go drink a cup of tea in the lower patch.

Nietzsche's ‘Übermensch’ was not afraid to throw out sarcastic comebacks. He flirted with elegant insults, calling his opponents ‘walking corpses’ (obviously in a figurative sense). Nietzsche's audacity teaches us to always wrap our words in politeness.

Arthur Schopenhauer, on the other hand, was known for his acid remarks and claimed that ‘every common applauder is a buffoon.’ Translated into NVC, this phrase would be ‘you applaud everything without thinking about it.’

From an existentialist point of view, Jean-Paul Sartre would defend freedom of expression in its purest form. This could even include profanity, but with total self-awareness.

In Buddhism, compassion is radical. The Dalai Lama, for example, would suggest sending love to the irritating agent before verbalising any insult or discontent.

For the great Hannah Arendt, the word meant our action in the world. She would tell us to use our impactful phrases as a political performance, including those that tell people to gently and convincingly enter their own intestinal abysses.

Acidic humour and sarcasm in relationships

It should be noted that this “art” also has its risks, as everything in life has its opposite. Therefore, be aware that sarcasm can bring people closer together or drive them apart. If you use it, use it as a spice rather than a main ingredient.

On the other hand, sarcasm can also become something constructive. It can spark reflection when used in the right measure, as long as we monitor our tone and the context of the issues themselves.

Therefore, use common sense. Do not seek to humiliate or belittle others. Use the information to build a greater understanding of yourself and those around you. I am not responsible for the misuse or malicious use of what I write. Everything here is information, and what you do with it is your responsibility.

Tips for speaking without hurting

Take a conscious pause and breathe before responding. Deep breathing while counting to 5 in your head is a calming technique that requires no prescription. If necessary, do it more than once.

Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you.’ It may sound like coach talk, but it works. If you have a problem, solve it without using others as scapegoats.

Listen as if you weren't the main character in the whole story. It's never too late to understand that the world doesn't revolve around us.

Instead of always being nice, be firm. NVC isn't hug therapy, it's more about effective communication without any kind of violence.

Replace ‘go to ... ’ with ‘enjoy a long walk to Pluto.’

Know when you are feeling ego overload. If we all respected our moments of silence, we would automatically respect the silence of others. And guess what? We would have a much healthier and more conscious coexistence.

Choose a lighter vocabulary. Don't use the word ‘stupid’; replace it with ‘wise in denial,’ for example.

Write letters. If you feel the need, write letters to the person you would like to insult, but DO NOT send them. Burn them safely, throw the ashes in the toilet, and then consider the matter closed.

Role-play philosophy. Imagine yourself debating with Socrates. Ask the person in question: ‘But, my dear, what is the reason for such rudeness?’

Use colourful metaphors. Always analyse the situation first and, if it contributes to the moment, say, ‘Your attitude is greyer than a rainy weekend.’

Learn to use self-deprecating humour. If you are unsure about the person's behaviour, start by saying, ‘Maybe I'm overreacting, but...’

Feedback with empathy. If the situation calls for it, you can mix a compliment with criticism: ‘I admire your passion, but could you channel it better, please?’

Use pop culture references. As a humorous response to a silly comment: ‘Do me a favour, young Padawan, withdraw from the premises.’

The art of elegant silence. Remain silent for a few seconds, look calmly into the person's eyes, say ‘Well...’ and walk away.

Self-care rituals. Learn to meditate, take relaxing walks, listen to calming music, read self-growth books, talk to yourself. Grow in silence. In short: Go take care of your life.

Tips for Overcoming Common Challenges

When we are afraid of not being understood: practise in front of the mirror. Talk to yourself as if you were Michel Foucault himself when he spoke of ‘discursive edges’ - an expression that denotes the ideas of discourse and the forms of exclusion, control and organisation of knowledge elucidated by this philosopher.

For when others overreact: remember that you are entirely responsible for what you say and not for how others interpret it. Be consistent and you won't need to dwell on situations or look for excuses for other people's reactions.

When you find it difficult to maintain your composure: anchor yourself in an inner philosopher, be your own Marcus Aurelius. Delve deeper into topics that help you deal with your own reactions and act accordingly.

When we judge ourselves: stopping labelling ourselves with adjectives such as “rude” or “weak” is always a start. Recognise your value and highlight your abilities, keeping your needs in mind.

When automatic reactions want to take over: consciously create a trigger and use it as an anchor. For example: Take a deep breath before any impulse. You will need to do this a few times before it becomes a habit.

When you lack emotional vocabulary: study feelings, needs, triggers (e.g., Rosenthal, Rosenberg…). Learn how and why you feel the way you do; seek out a good therapist. There are many ways to develop ourselves.

NVC is not just about peace and love, but also about freedom

No one said we need to become doormats who accept everything. The idea is to learn to communicate what we are feeling in a coherent way without coming across as medieval ogres.

Unlike traditional education, NVC focuses on expressing needs, not on shaping behaviours that can avoid judgement. It is in moments of tension that this practice can make a difference, especially when it is used in its four pillars (Observation, Feeling, Need and Request).

The use of irony in practice was something I suggested as a form of humour, a dissertation on the topic, and also as a way of dealing with those who ignore polite requests. In such cases, both irony and sarcasm can be used, as long as they serve to “enlighten” and not to hurt, and are always in accordance with the four essential pillars.

We can always be clear, direct and still maintain respect - this applies to corporate environments. If you want to use sarcasm and irony here, it's at your own risk. The idea of this article is not for you to get a promotion in the form of dismissal. When we use acid humour, we may always end up hurting some inflated egos, even if we do so elegantly. Therefore, consideration and restraint are necessary.

I strongly recommend that those who would like to learn more read Rosenberg's ‘Nonviolent Communication.’ And don't forget that it's always better to tell someone to go to... the heart or elbow, even if you really want to tell them to shove their insignificance where anatomy ends and dignity begins.

Now, if you enjoyed this article, keep reading the others available here on the blog! Feel free to leave your comments, complaints, questions, and send them to the gang. Oh, you can suggest the next topic, ‘How to appear calm while screaming inside’ is next in line.

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“The illusion crumbles when we question reality.” - UN4RT

Sources, references, and inspiration for curious people like me.

• Carl Rogers, Becoming a Person.

• Marschall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication.

• Aristotle, Rhetoric.

• Mahatma Gandhi, The Story of My Experiments with Truth.

• Martin Luther King Jr., one of the most important leaders of the civil rights movement in the United States. Known worldwide for his non-violent struggle against racism, racial segregation and social injustice. His most famous speech was delivered in 1963 before 250,000 people, which he began with the phrase ‘I have a dream...’

• Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness.

• Masaru Emoto,  The Hidden Messages in Water.

• Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex.

• Plato, Dialogues.

• Seneca, Letters to Lucilius.

• Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil.

• Arthur Schopenhauer, The art of insulting.

• Dalai Lama, he 14th is called Tenzin Gyatso, the most important spiritual leader in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. The title “Dalai Lama” literally means “ocean of wisdom”.

• Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition.

• Socrates, Apologie of Socrates (escrito por Plato).

• Padawan, a term from the Star Wars universe (created by George Lucas and now owned by Disney) that designates a Jedi apprentice.

• Michel Foucault, The Order of Things.

• Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

• Robert Rosenthal, social psychologist famous for the Pygmalion Effect, a phenomenon in which one person's expectations influence another's performance.