Practical Guide to Not Having Expectations

Grab a coffee, sweeten it with disdain and sit down. Focus and let's go, restless soul, because today we're going to talk about a social addiction that no one likes to admit they have, but that everyone practises.

You know that feeling that someone owes you something? That little bit of frustration that comes up when someone doesn't live up to your simplest expectations? Well, hopeful creature, let's tear away the veil of illusion, because yes, waiting is the art of suffering in advance, and we deserve better!

Take a deep breath. Let it out. Repeat after me: ‘No one owes me anything.’

And now, keep reading...

The Origin of Addiction

Why do we expect so much from others?

Since childhood, we have been indoctrinated by the greatest illusion industry that has ever existed, ‘society’. Like a good salesperson, it always pushes the whole package on us: unconditional love, eternal loyalty, 24-hour availability, understanding and ‘humane’ bosses, fairy-tale relationships... And all this for a modest price: our time, attention and, in some cases, our sanity.

Sartre, our favourite lucid curmudgeon, once said: ‘Hell is other people.’ Not because other people are heartless monsters, but because we insist on projecting onto them everything we would like to receive - even if, for some mystical-karmic reason, we never do.

Expectations: the Mother of Frustration (and the Absent Father of Peace of Mind)

Have you ever stopped to think that every disappointment is the bastard child of an uncommunicated expectation?

We usually fantasise, project, romanticise and then complain that the other person doesn't reciprocate, when they didn't even know they were part of a mental soap opera script.

Expecting others to reciprocate, understand, perceive and read between the lines of our neural litanies... is like using an open Wi-Fi network and thinking we're browsing safely.

The problem isn't the other person, but the connection we hope to have.

Smart people who had already figured this out long before it became a trend

Epictetus, the root of Stoicism, already said that we should control what depends on us and ignore the rest. Expecting others to do something is the opposite of Stoic philosophy. If we want peace, we have to abandon the ‘he/she should’ and embrace the ‘whatever.’

Nietzsche, with his eternal return and acceptance of inevitable chaos, had already said it best: ‘If you had to live your life, with all its disappointments, over and over again... would you live it?’ Yeah, right, so it's better to stop being like a broken record, repeating the mantra of expecting others to be how you are with them.

Wanting the world to fit our values is pure arrogance. Suffering is inherent to existence, but resisting it transforms us. The Übermensch (‘Superman’/‘Beyond Man’) expects nothing from anyone. He creates. He transforms ‘you disappointed me’ into ‘I don't care! I'm going to surpass myself!’ Therefore, expecting nothing from others is to stop resisting the obvious: the other is and always will be unpredictable.

Simone de Beauvoir, wonderful and sarcastic, already warned us: ‘...the other is free, even when it hurts us...’ Expecting others to understand us or treat us as we would like is to deny their freedom. We should not want to mould or manipulate them just because we want affection, attention, acceptance or paid bills. Other people's freedom is rarely sympathetic to our emotional whims.

Simone Weil, the mystical philosopher, once said that giving without expecting anything in return is the only act that characterises true freedom. Genuine love gives without asking or expecting anything in return. Not because those who do so are weak, but because they are aware of their strength.

Schopenhauer, that pessimistic uncle with a grim face, said that all forms of attachment are potential suffering. ‘Life swings like a pendulum between pain and boredom.’ So adding ‘expectations about something or someone’ to that pendulum would be like asking to be hit in the face with a brick. Therefore, expecting something is digging the grave of our own peace of mind with a teaspoon.

Lacan said that desire always belongs to the other, which means we're fucked. What we want others to offer us — whatever that may be — is something they have no idea even exists. Waiting is like trying to control something unconscious, something that even the ‘recipient of that wait’ doesn't understand.

Chico Xavier – yes, let's add a spiritual twist to things – preached, ‘Expect the best, prepare for the worst, and accept whatever comes.’ Even the people's favourite medium knew this and threw this stoic wisdom wrapped in spirituality in the face of Brazilian society.

The Social Paradox: the longer we wait, the more we are told to be patient

 

Anyone who has never heard the annoying phrase ‘Everything in its own time’ doesn't know what it's like to want to punch someone in the face.

We are aware that we live ‘at the mercy of temporal laws’, as Severus Snape said: ‘Time and space matter in magic, Potter.’ But even so, there are the ‘Einsteins’ of life who love to repeat this phrase as if it were the elixir of problem solving, when those on the other side - in most cases - find themselves in the midst of an emotional storm.

It's curious how many of us demand only the bare minimum — respect, consideration, a response that isn't just an emoji... — and often, even that minimum is enough to earn a ‘calm down’ or ‘yeah, it's a shame, but that's normal...’ in response.

Even more curious, in my opinion, is when we stop expecting, paying attention, or calling bad behaviour ‘normal.’ That's when, as if by magic, we become cold, selfish, ‘disillusioned,’ negative... and even crazy nihilists.

Emotional Dependency in Liquid Times

Our relationships have a short shelf life, but eternal demands. Therefore, we cannot depend emotionally on people who change their profile pictures every week and promise love in 233 characters and emojis.

Waiting is giving power, and waiting is the altar where despair marries disappointment. It is when we turn others into the owners of our peace.

And why does it hurt us so much?

Because we are trained to please and be pleased. Conditioned, like Pavlov's dogs, salivating at every crumb of approval.

Because the ego always screams ‘I deserve more!’ And maybe it does, but the universe has no obligation to give anything when the being does not do it for itself.

Practices for Sending Expectations to Hell

These are suggestions, do them at your own risk. The idea is always to create unicorns, but not to create expectations.

• Start the day by saying, ‘No one owes me anything, but I owe myself everything’ - Repeat this like a mantra. Write it on the mirror. Print it on a T-shirt. It's more liberating than cheap therapy.

• Stick it on your forehead: ‘I am not the centre of the universe’ - This is not a lack of self-esteem. It is emotional maturity. Accepting that no one is obligated to act the way you want them to is the pure juice of freedom.

• Have a list of everything the world does not owe you - The list is long, but starting to write it is realising how much responsibility you have for yourself.

• Keep your sarcasm sharp - Sarcasm is the philosophical shield of the sensitive. Use it sparingly and with timely irony.

• Practice anonymous generosity - Do good and forget about it, because expecting a ‘thank you’ is just another undiagnosed addiction.

• Be wary of promises (including your own) - Value those who surprise you more than those who promise you something. Promises are like expired jelly beans: they look good, but the taste disappoints.

• Learn to laugh at drama before it laughs at you - If everything goes wrong, laugh. But laugh hard, almost screaming. Laughter is the cheapest and most painless form of emotional revenge.

• When someone fails you, repeat: ‘That's about them, not me.’ - The responsibility for creating expectations is and always will be yours, but the fact that someone else screwed up is not your problem.

• Be present, but with one foot out the door - This does not mean you should have shallow relationships. Empathy, yes. But with common sense. If the door of affection slams shut, don't let it hit you in the face.

• Use ‘fuck you’ with spiritual awareness - It's not about being insensitive, but about knowing where your peace begins and where the other person's ‘obligation’ ends.

• Develop an erotic relationship with the word ‘no’ - It's short, honest, and will save you money on therapy sessions.

• Have emotional escape plans - Yes, they work like an emergency button. When shit starts to stink, at least you have somewhere to go (even if it's just to take a cold shower).

• Reward yourself when you don't explode - There's nothing like chocolate, a walk, or a good book to celebrate maturity. So every time you don't send that long text or listen to that podcast, celebrate. That's spiritual growth.

• Make yourself your best company - There is a big difference between loneliness and feeling alone. So when loneliness becomes a choice, it ceases to be a prison, and everyone who is or comes close to you can come and go as they please.

• Create bonds, not dependencies - Those who need, cling. Those who share, are free.

• Be wary of exaggerated compliments - They are like an appetiser before the main course: affection disguised as demands.

• Let go of ‘recognition’ - Most people will only recognise you after you die. So live your life more lightly.

• Build your routine without relying on ‘let's make plans’ - If someone wants to, you can be sure they'll show up. Those who want to will find a way, and those who don't will ghost you or make an excuse.

• Make plans for yourself and invite others, but without pressure - If someone comes, great. If not, the outing continues and life goes on.

• Be whole before expecting half from someone else - This is for those who believe in ‘soul mates,’ ‘better halves,’ and whatever else... Invest in self-development and mature emotionally, so you won't need someone to complete you, but rather to multiply you.

• Learn to enjoy and respect other people's silence - Not every silence is rejection - and even if it is, no one is obliged to accept it when they don't want to. Sometimes it's just a lack of desire to respond or someone being... themselves. And that's okay.

• Avoid using phrases such as ‘if I were you, I would do it differently’ - You are not in the other person's shoes and you might not even be able to handle it. So, if you don't have anything better to say, just keep your mouth shut. Don't forget, there will always be someone ready to judge what you do, feel or choose. But these people are never in your shoes, right? Coincidence?

• Be generous by choice, never out of need - Don't be a martyr of good intentions, because martyrdom doesn't pay the bills. Doing good and expecting applause is just theatre, and giving something while expecting something in return is a transaction, not generosity. And, like any good transaction, there is always the risk of default. Do it if you want to, and forget about it if you don't get anything in return.

• Treat expectations like an ex-boyfriend: say thank you and walk away - They were part of your life and now they're just getting in the way. Say goodbye with class.

• Make a list of broken illusions and read it from time to time - Nothing teaches you more than a good dose of documented reality. It's therapeutic.

  
  

Not waiting is being free; it's not about being cold

It's easy to get confused. The absence of expectations is not cynicism, it's just clarity. We continue to love, give ourselves, live together, curse - but without letting others define our peace. We do, we offer, we contribute... because we choose to, not because we expect something in return.

The truth is that the only person who can guarantee anything for you is... yourself. Expecting things from others is like placing a high bet at a casino. You may win, but you will lose more often than you would like.

The secret to peace lies in letting go, detaching yourself, releasing expectations, idealizations, and outsourced dreams. Those who expect nothing from anyone are never disappointed and are still surprised from time to time.

To avoid any doubt:

No one is here to meet your expectations. And that's not a bad thing. It's actually liberating.

Freeing ourselves from the need for approval, recognition, and emotional feedback makes us lighter. And no, it doesn't make us insensitive. It makes us more lucid. Life is better when we stop carrying other people's emotional baggage.

‘Laziness kills ambition, jealousy kills peace, anger kills wisdom, fear kills dreams.’ (Now read that backwards) - Augusto Cury.

If you enjoyed this philosophical beating, then come closer:

1. Read more blog articles - direct, sharp and sarcastic.

2. Comment, criticise, suggest, ask questions. This space is also yours, and revolution begins with exchange.

3. Share with those who live waiting for crumbs and calling it a feast.

4. And of course, visit the UN4RT website - our backstage where only the brave have access. There you'll find exclusive, free content, raw and unfiltered, just waiting for those who really want to break out of the script.

PS: In case anyone is wondering how to practise all this with people close to them, such as family and friends... The answer is simple: with the same lightness of someone visiting an exhibition, i.e., admire, respect... and leave. But if you still want to expect something from someone, the answer would be: waiting is human, just don't build castles on other people's promises...

‘The illusion crumbles when we question reality.’ – UN4RT

Oh, take a look at the sources, references and inspirations below. Draw your own conclusions and stop parroting others.

• Jean-Paul Sartre, Huis Clos (No Exit).

• Epictetus, The Art of Living  and The Handbook (Enchiridion).

• Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra and The Gay Science.

• Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex.

• Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace.

• Arthur Schopenhauer, The World as Will and Representation.

• Jacques Lacan, First Writings.

• Chico Xavier, Brazilian medium and philanthropist. Although the phrase has been widely disseminated as part of his thinking, it does not appear explicitly in a single work, but rather in his spiritual messages and advice during his lectures and writings throughout his life.

• Severus Snape, one of the most complex and intriguing characters in the Harry Potter saga, written by J.K. Rowling.

• Zygmunt Bauman, Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds  and Liquid Modernity and Beyond.

• Pavlov's dogs, reference to a famous experiment conducted by psychologist Ivan Pavlov, which demonstrated the principle of classical conditioning. In the experiment, Pavlov used a sound (like a bell ringing) whenever he offered food to a dog. After many repetitions, the dog began to salivate just by hearing the bell, even if it did not receive any food. This occurred because the sound was associated with food, and the dog began to respond automatically to the sound with salivation, without the need for the presence of food itself. This phenomenon showed how behaviours can be conditioned by associations with external stimuli.

• Augusto Cury, The Dreamseller.