The Philosophy of Comparison

Why is the neighbour's grass always greener?

This article is for those who, in their routine of looking at social media, have found themselves thinking how much better some people's lives seem to be. Well, this feeling has a name, an address and even a philosophical birth certificate.

It's called comparison - one of the most practised mental sports in humanity.

Let's analyse what lies beyond the metaphor and what hides in the depths of everyday comparison, because this practice, although it may seem harmless, carries with it a series of psychological reflexes and existential implications.

Let's finally understand why the hell we care so much about other people's grass and why we look at other people's lives through a magnifying glass while using a broken rear-view mirror to analyse our own.

The Origin of ‘Chronic Comparison Syndrome’

As expected, since Ancient Greece, philosophers have sought to understand this almost pathological behaviour.

Plato spoke about the restlessness of the human soul and the quest to always obtain something beyond what one already has. His disciple Aristotle argued that virtue lies in happiness, not in what others have.

Epictetus preached about the simple pleasures of life, those that allow us to enjoy without pain and with acceptance of what we already have. Seneca, in turn, said to ignore the opinions of others, because what really matters is living in peace with oneself. In other words: the focus is on what you can control, and comparison is not on the list.

As the centuries passed, this topic continued to be debated. Until it reached Freud and his psychoanalysis. Yes, the guy who thought everything was his mother's fault was one of the first to name and shape what we feel when we look at someone else's lawn. He called it the ‘castration complex,’ which is a feeling of loss or lack of something essential, which is projected onto others, and we only see what we should have.

Lacan was not far behind and refined this idea, saying that desire is never ours, it always belongs to the other. In other words, we desire what the other desires, simply because the other desires it. He practically called us emotional parrots, saying that it is not other people's grass that we want, but rather the validation of being the owners of the most desired grass in the neighbourhood.

Let us now jump to the point of view of Schopenhauer, the grumpy uncle of philosophy, who said that desire is the source of all suffering. For him, we live our lives based on desiring, conquering, becoming frustrated, and then desiring again. A hellish cycle that turns comparison into more fuel for the fire of despair.

Simone de Beauvoir, on the other hand, said that, historically, women have been taught to compare themselves using standards, unattainable ideals and even to see other women as rivals, causing them to compare themselves with them as well.

For Mademoiselle Beauvoir, comparison is a mechanism of domination and self-sabotage, because human beings construct themselves through others, and the problem arises when this construction becomes a competition.

In other words, philosophy has tired of telling us that comparing ourselves is a waste of time.

The Rooted

From an early age, we hear phrases such as: ‘Why aren't you like...’ or ‘Look at your son/daughter...’. The culture of comparison is taught to us from an early age as a method of motivation, but what it really does is plant deep insecurity and a sense of inadequacy that we carry into adulthood.

Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein spoke about how childhood shapes our relationship with the world. When we grow up being compared, we start comparing everything. It's as if our self-esteem is constantly being evaluated by external criteria.

It doesn't take a genius to realise how cruel this is — the perfect poison to kill authenticity. We start living a life trying to please people who don't see us for who we really are.

Deconstructing this requires awareness and action. When we notice automatic patterns of comparison, we can question them instead of repeating them.

Using the phrase coined by researcher Rodrigo Polesso: ‘Compare who you are today with who you were yesterday and be inspired by who you want to be tomorrow.’

Modern Self-Exploitation

We are all trying to perform something that, deep down, we know we are not, according to philosopher Byung-Chul Han, who coined the term ‘performance society.’ He also added that we are living in an age of exhaustion, where society has replaced external oppression with self-exploitation. Now, we are our own bosses and executioners, all at the same time.

And this has everything to do with our desire for the neighbour's grass. Self-exploitation is born out of comparison. We force ourselves to run faster because we see others producing more, earning more, and we think we are falling behind.

Comparisons that kill (our grass)

The rock star of Western thought, Friedrich Nietzsche, defended the idea that we should live according to our own ‘will to power’ — that is, to achieve what is unique to us.

But how can we do that if we are constantly looking around, bombarded with information that shows us everything we don't have and everything we are not?

In this context, comparison would be a silent form of symbolic violence. Hannah Arendt already warned about this when she said that great evils do not come from monsters, but from the normalisation of the absurd.

Here, this absurdity is the constant feeling – which is transmitted to us and which we feed – that we are behind, insufficient and small in comparison to our neighbour's “perfect” lawn.

Returning to Nietzsche, he also spoke about the “eternal return”, the idea that everything repeats itself infinitely. Comparison in this case is also one of these repetitions.

It would be like an itch: once it starts, it doesn't stop, becoming a habit.

According to him, there is a way out of this condition, and it is called amor fati - loving what we have, what we live and what we are. Living so intensely and authentically that, if we had to repeat everything forever, we would still do everything the same way.

Green Grass as a Trigger for Frustration

There is a concept in psychology called the ‘hedonic treadmill,’ which basically means that no matter how much we achieve, we will always want more.

Did we buy a new car? Soon we will want the next model, newer and better than the first. Is the neighbour renovating their kitchen? We consider taking out a loan to replace our refrigerator, even if it's just that.

Thus, this story becomes more like a silent resentment that grows as we watch others fulfil the dream we constantly put off. These are the first symptoms of when comparison begins to become a type of passive-aggressive envy.

This resentment, like excuses, is a poison we take while we envy instead of being inspired. Brazilian philosopher Marcia Tiburi talks about how resentment is one of the driving forces of today's society - working better than motivation. This feeling paralyses, blinds and, above all, disconnects us from ourselves.

The Fuel of Modern Frustration and Resentment

Now the million-dollar question is:

Who planted the idea in our heads that we need to have everything, all the time, and as quickly as possible?

Ah, yes. Our beloved consumer industry. In the age of meritocracy, those who don't achieve something are failures. After all, who hasn't seen the advert ‘finds I didn't know I needed until I bought them’? Well, another point for marketing. Because its job isn't to sell products, but to sell us problems we didn't even know we had, and then offer us the solution. Touché.

Wherever there is a lawn parched from lack of watering, there will be a new organic fertiliser with nanoparticles of synthetic happiness. Is your love life lukewarm? No problem, a new perfume with shark pheromones will solve the problem! Are you sad? Then buy something!

This is how the neighbour's grass becomes a product. Comparison becomes business. Discontent becomes a sales driver. And we, docile consumers, continue on this merry-go-round, seeking to buy the happiness that seems to live only in the garden next door.

Writer Clarissa Estés writes about the ‘archetype of the wild woman’, who does not bow to external demands and lives according to her own truth. But what we often see is the opposite being sold - a cult of manufactured perfection, where there is no room for pain, doubt, slowness, let alone authenticity.

All of this leads us to realise that expecting too much of ourselves, based on the edited lives of others, is a sure recipe for emotional collapse. Expectations are a trap with a gold ribbon bow.

The dark side of the grass

Anyone with a garden knows that every blade of grass has its pests. Every life has its cracks. But when the light hits at an angle, we only see the brightness, never the shadows.

The neighbour's grass may even look greener because we only see the side that is illuminated. The shadow remains hidden. Just like our own.

Everyone knows or has known someone who seemed to have the perfect life until, as if by magic, everything fell apart. Yes, these things happen all the time. Comparison is based solely on projections - and projections are illusory by nature. Looking at other people's gardens with blind admiration is to forget that even the most beautiful flowers grow amid dirt.

Ironies, Hypocrisies and Contradictions

Only life and experience can provide us with certain ironies. Sometimes, your neighbour is looking at your grass and thinking it's greener than his. This exchange of mutual envy is pathetic and brilliant at the same time. It's as if we are all broken mirrors, trying to complete ourselves with the pieces of others.

But this cycle of exchange is, in the end, a bad joke: his grass looks better to us, ours looks better to him, and in the end, no one enjoys their own garden.

This is where the bitter humour of our existence comes in. We take ourselves too seriously when, deep down, we are all just trying to look less lost than we really are.

The Green Illusion

The neighbour's grass seems greener not because it actually is, but because we see it that way. This is called perceptual illusion, and it is the basis of the entire emotional circus. We look at other people's lives through a lens that highlights only the high points, ignoring the weeds and smelly fertiliser they also use to keep their lawns looking beautiful.

But why do we want what we don't have?

Because what we have becomes invisible over time. Habit is the greatest killer of gratitude. The new, the different, the forbidden... all of these shine more brightly in the shop window of comparison.

The Role of Gratitude (without the coach spiel)

Who hasn't heard, ‘Be grateful’ during a difficult time and wanted to punch the person who said it? Anyone who hasn't is already enlightened. All this talk is great, as long as it doesn't become a cliché from a bargain store.

Gratitude is not denying pain, it's more like a lens of reality. When we look around us and recognise what we already have, no matter how imperfect it may be.

Using this practice daily helps detoxify our minds from the poison of comparison. When we start to value our small victories — like not telling people to go take a hike, for example — the weight of feeling like we don't have or aren't enough begins to lift.

Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and creator of logotherapy, said that even in the worst scenarios, life can have meaning. If he could find meaning in a concentration camp, we can find meaning in our routine, be it spreadsheets and bills.

True gratitude, in my view, is rebellious. It screams in my ear: ‘Even without having everything, I have enough for today, now shut up and go do something you enjoy.’

Stepping Out of the Mirror of Others

Have you ever tried looking at yourself in the mirror for more than two minutes? Without judging yourself, without looking for flaws, just observing? This exercise is brutal. The first time I did it consciously, I started crying.

Most of us see ourselves through the eyes of others.

The writer Audre Lorde said that ‘taking care of yourself is an act of resistance.’ And it really is. Stopping and looking at yourself with compassion, recognising your shadows and your light, is revolutionary. There is no comparison that can withstand the power of someone who knows themselves or seeks to know themselves deeply.

If we live trying to fit into moulds that were not made for us, it can end in emotional deformation.

The challenge I pose here is: step out of the reflection of others and look back at yourself.

This task cannot be accomplished with a snap of the fingers, but as Dumbledore said: ‘... choose the right thing, not the easy thing...’

Freedom lies in living within our truth, even if it has its flaws, but without giving up our conscience.

Be your own gardener

Constantly comparing ourselves is the emotional equivalent of running on a treadmill: it only exhausts our strength, but we don't get anywhere.

This practice is the most democratic illusion that exists; it affects the poor and the rich, the young and the old, philosophers and bloggers. But it is also a choice. We can continue to desire someone else's garden... or we can start building our own paradise, one square metre at a time.

So, if you've read this far, stop and breathe. Allow yourself to break out of this spiral of comparison and self-sabotage. The neighbour's grass only looks greener because we haven't yet realised that ours has deep and strong roots.

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Sources, References and Inspirations:

• Plato, O Banquete.

• Aristotle, Nicomachean.

• Epictetus, The Handbook (Enchiridion).

• Seneca, Letters to Lucilius.

• Sigmund Freud, The Ego and the ID.

• Jacques Lacan, The Four Fundamental Concepts of Psychoanalysis.

• Arthur Schopenhauer, The World as Will and Representation.

• Simone Beauvoir, The Second Sex.

• Melanie Klein, Kleinian envy and gratitude.

• Byung-Chul Han, The Burnout Society.

• Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

• Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition.

• Marcia Tiburi, Como Derrotar o TurbotecnoMachismo (No English translation available).

• Clarissa Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves.

• Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.

• Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light.